In hot pursuit....

In light of some recent developments...I am finding myself with lots of time to think...ponder...and transform. We as human beings are often always in pursuit. The pursuit of happiness, a better job, a new partner, a better relationship with God. The pursuit is always and external movement to the hopes of some form of positive change. My question is why are our pursuits so external...why so often do we look outside ourselves for the positive change we need in our lives. When in effect we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to listen and pursue our own hearts. Even better, we need to let God pursue our own hearts. By this I do not mean that I need to let Jesus do all the work in this relationship, but at the center of all that is good in my life is my heart. God gave me a heart large enough to share, so full of compassion and gifts it is my biggest fault and the biggest gift I have to offer the world. But I have been in such a rush to share it with, give it to, hide it from, that I have been to busy to listen to it. In this gift i have recieved is where God will ultimately pursue me, love me, honor his promises to me, bless me, grace me, and ultimately challenge me.

But....here it is...the connection....inorder to allow God to be in Hot Pursuit of the love of his life...(me, or Us)....I need to be okay with that aloneness. The idea that in my silence and the whole of who I am...where no one else can be...there is where God will rest. There is where He will ultimately pursue me.

alone

loneliness....its something I struggle with...and its not just on one plain. To me its complex...the only heart that I truly understand and struggle with is my own. In my search for more I am driven back to my center. Where there is just me, alone with my thoughts, feelings and words. In moments where all the friends and family in the world could not make a difference. The silence i find in moments like this can be saddening and cause true pain. Pain that I have trouble expressing. It doesn't make me ill or make me depressed just perplexed and then saddened. I often wonder if others feel this type of loneliness. If they sometimes feel isolated, not by others...but by ones own thoughts. The need I feel for relationship is true, real, and deep. But how is one to find relationship with others and with God, when the one true relationship i am struggling with it seems.....is my own. Does anyone else see this problem...or does anyone else find fear in these thoughts. I am just wondering. I am not sure anyone reads these...but if you do...no worries...just thinking out loud. Wondering if the loneliness that can consume me in a crowded room...taunts anyone else.